Struggle

Writing seemed promising a few weeks ago. I started to feel the itch again and wrote a few poems that I am still not quite satisfied with. So I will go back to them. For now Im just trying to do anything to encourage the inspiration again. Doing anything creative to keep my mind active and moving. Which means a lot of photography days and sketches Ive been working on. But none are as fulfilling as writing.

Months Past

These past few months have gone by so fast. Maybe its because I am in a better place now, finally. Im on a good path and I hope to stay that way.

I'm still not writing, but I have a feeling that is not to far off now either. Now that things are back as they should be and Im far less stressed out than I was before. Im working full time now, Im working on driving and all the other small things that are on my list I am beginning to cross off.

Some things could be better, But I am getting there. Im working on getting my anxiety under control so that it will no longer control me. By doing that, things should start getting much easier for me. I hope. I have medicine to take when Im having an attack. I dont need something every day just something to fall back on when I cant handle it myself. Thankfully, I dont need it much. I hope I can get it figured out where I wont need anything at all. One step at a time I guess.

I really need to make a point to write more often, maybe it will get the writing juices flowing again. But for now its bed time, early comes way to fast anymore.

The Secret Life

Sometimes I feel like I'm living another person's life. It's hard to describe, but I am going to do my best. My anxiety affects everything I do. And everything I want to do. Which is slightly frustrating to me because sometimes I find myself doing things I wouldn't normally do either. I find myself not being able to be myself where I am . Even though I am working towards change, I is getting more and more difficult to hang in there until I get to the place I need to be. Some days I feel like I am carrying a heavy burden and some I feel like I am just dying to get outside of myself. I'm sort of trapped inside myself. I can't be the person I want to be here. The stress and anxiety of doing things the way I have to, I just can't do it anymore. Generally, I'm happy Inside I'm dealing with a lot of things because its just time. Work is my salvation on most days, there are some days I don't want to be at work either, I admit. Though its better than being at home. On those days, the last thing I want to do is think about things any more than I have to When I'm home I don't really want to be home. Im in need of my own space and more of it. My writing is suffering and so am I. Lately, Ive done a few things if I could go back and do them over again. I probably would have done it differently. Over all, I don't regret them. But I would say Id be a whole lot smarter about the whole thing. It was nice to feel wanted for a change.

Winter Blues

We had a few days of decent weather, It was rainy but at least it was semi warm. Now we are back to the frigid cold and snow, Im sick of snow. Getting up early in the snow is something I wish I could avoid all together. It is way to cold in the morning. Nothing like a wake up call of cold wintery wind slapping you in the face. I'll be glad for spring. Hopefully not much longer.

It is that time again for the craziness of tax season. Everyone making plans for their tax returns. Working in retail that is a chaos I hope to avoid. But I am sure I won't be that lucky. I am assuming that is why I work all days next week. There will be a lot of people shopping, splurging on new things. Oh the things money does to people. Especially in my house. I dread tax season every year for that reason. Everyone bickers and fights about what the money is getting spent on. They are miserable with it, miserable with out it. The only thing thats good about it is being able to get ahead on bills and being able to relax and breathe for a month or so before the cycle begins again. Hopefully by this time next year I will living in a place of my own or at least close to it. I think I will be able to have enough saved by the end of the year to put some money down on a place. I really need that. It is too crowded and too stressful living with family. But it is the only way that I can afford to store some money away for myself for my own space. So I am focusing on the goal at hand and keep moving along.

In the meantime it also gives me the chance to focus on things Ive been wanting to do or needing to. So even though this blog is about having the winter blues there are some positive nots to look forward to.

Now all I need is a car....

But first I need to work on getting some decent and affordable health insurance. I cant keep trying to get by without it. So much I need to do, Just not enough time and money to do so. I hate that the world has to revolve around money as much as it does. Sadly we do need it. Just wish we didnt need so much of it.

I can't believe it is so cold. Sitting in front of the heater and Im still barely staying comfortable. I hope the temps go up some this wind chill factor is crazy. Its making it hard to concentrate. I really want to do some writing today, since my next day off won't be until tuesday. And today is only friday. Sure I can fit it in between working but I wont get nearly as far as I would get today being able to spend the whole day on it. Or at least a good four or five hours of uninterrupted quiet time. I cant keep having the tomorrow is another day attitude because its not going to get me anywhere. I have four other book ideas I want to use. So I need to get busy. I just wish I didnt lack the inspiration and the motivation so much lately. I am feeling lazy because I havent been on the elliptical in over a week. I really need to do that. I didnt realize how much better it makes me feel. It was a commitment I am glad I made in buying. Now I just need to stick to it. Maybe it will help with this winter blah.

Taste of Wine

Savor the scent as it makes its way around the glass.
A flushing of red swirls around the rim,
Bittersweet, but I'm still sober.
I see the veins in my skin roll as the warmth of
alcohol rushes through them.
Today is the first, last day with you,
I'll drink to that.
I don't think I'll ever by able to let you go completely.
But with my inhibitions gone,
I might be able to forget.
I enjoy savoring each sip behind the candlelight,
To dwell, to endure,
In those moments alone.
My thoughts of you are a tangled mess.
A bottle and a glass is all I need to make
you go away.
This may by my only reason to savor the
taste of wine.
12/13/09
Fawn McCurdy

New Year

Here it is mid January already. By now people are making new year resolutions and pacts to do things that they never did or didnt do last year or the year before. I am not one of those people. Sure in High school it was fun to do those things. As an adult, its great that people do that. Its just not me. I dont really see the point of new year resolutions because most the time people never go through with them. If they do, more power to them.
Anyway, Im just doing what I can to continue writing and get out of the funk Ive been in. Its slowly been getting better. So all I can do is keep pushing forward and hope for the best. Especially when I have so much I want to do. I have the poetry Anthology to work on, Working on the new book and lots and lots of sketches to be done. And somewhere in there id like to fit in the outline of the kids book. But that is something thats probably going to have to wait some more. I havent fully developed the story idea just yet anyway. But I do have a good idea in the direction I want to go. I think.
Work takes up a lot of my time, Even though Im only working part time right now its still hard to fit in writing when I want to. It has a big effect on my creativity. I know it does. It puts a damper on anything I want to do, but what can I do. I gotta work. So I am doing my best to work around it and make it work.
The weather has been fairly decent last few days. Not real cold. I think there is hope for warm weather to come yet. I cant wait for spring and summer. Go out and sit at the park. Its the best writing place. Especially when there is no one there. So peaceful. I always manage to get a good amount of writing done when I do that. I guess I feel too confined indoors so my writing suffers. Its hard to explain. Its like going outside to get fresh out, makes everything so much clearer. Makes focusing much easier.