Come and Gone

Christmas has come and gone. The holiday was fairly nice, but bittersweet. Dad had a relapse in his pneumonia and spend the week in the hospital getting fluid from a burst abcess drained from his lung. So our holiday dinner will most likely be when he comes home. He comes home tomorrow thankfully. He is doing better now and axious to come home. I cant say I blame him. I hate feeling trapped.
My nephews had a great Christmas, minus the fact that their Pap wasnt home to share it with them. I dont know why Ive lost my interest in Christmas. Its lost all the meaning it should have with family. I wonder if there is any way to get that back. I feel kind of selfish for wanting to be alone. Not to dwell or to feel sorry for myself. But to give myself the chance to miss Rob and know he wants me to be happy. Hard to believe in a week it will mark 6 years of his passing already. It doesn't seem that long.
Now that its time to move on, Holidays have past and its time to move forward into the new year. Im not making any resolutions, I don't believe in them. The only thing I want to do is continue on focusing on my writing and look out for my best interest. I havent been putting myself first very much and I find that me and my writing has been suffering for it. Ive been making a lot of plans. Time to make a change.

Long at Last

I am feeling a bit relieved now and I am a little less stressed. I was finally able to get some writing done a few days ago. It has been far too long since anything I was happy with. Ive only made a small dent in everything that I have been unable to let go. At least I know I havent lost the ability to write. I honestly felt like Id never be able to write again. Okay so thats a little dramatic, but its the longest stretch I have gone without it. Four poems is only a drop in the bucket when its been over a year. I will take what I can get. Im hoping it will give me the motivation and the inspiration I need to keep going. Now that I know all is not lost. And that something better is just around the corner.
Im hoping that I will be able to continue working on the book and that the poetry will flow more freely now so that I can finish the anthology. Im long overdo. One step at a time I guess. I will get there. I just gotta stay focused. Which is hard lately, especially with work and the holiday season taking up a lot of my time. Things will slow down. I love the holidays as much as the next person. I will be glad when they are over and things go back to normal.

The Yearning Place

Persistant are the dreams of a web woven from tasks
we must betray.
I am emerged in such things,
I've become weary of deeds I cannot undo.
As your enemy,
I must stay distant, yet close.
I won't be alone any longer.
I can't honor myself because of the changes coursing
through me,
Like venom through a vein.
Curse this darkness for giving me everything,
Then taking it all back.
Leaving me in a place of yearning,
You can no longer give me what I need.
I've become weary of things I cannot change.
I can't get too close,
And become the victim again,
Of what it is I am yearning.
12/12/09

Contemplation

Hard to believe its December already. Time goes fast. Especially when your spending 80% of it working. That is probably how it will be until after Christmas.
I have a lot on my mind anymore, I really wish I had the time to process it all. I have been trying to write amongst it all. I barely make progress before I hit a setback again. So I dont really feel like I am getting anywhere at the moment. Its hard for me to stay focused, but I am trying. I get worn out too easily because of work. So it make its hard for me to do the things I want to do but can't. All I can do is do what I can, I know. It just isnt enough for me though.
Im trying to relax and think of where to begin, I dont really have a place of beginning. So I guess that means I should just start somewhere. At least it would be a start. Here goes nothing...

Urging and giving thanks

Hard to believe that the last time I updated, Halloween was just around the corner. And now we are looking at Thanksgiving, tomorrow. Crazy.

I have been wanting to stop and take time to write for awhile now. Then there is work, among everything else that is going on in my life. It just hasn't slowed down at all for me to think, much less clear my head.

Today is my day off. I am going to do my best to enjoy it before the crazyness of thanksgiving and black friday sales at work begin. That means, a majority of today is going to be spent on things Ive meant to do, but havent been able to. The top of my list, writing. I am just worried that I am going to set myself up for disappointment again. After all this time, I wonder if it will be worth the wait of not writing for over a year. Work has had a lot to do with that. I figured at first it wouldnt be a big deal because I would find a way to make it work. And fit it in when I can. Now that I have the time. I am wondering if I can.

The harder it is for me to find inspiration to write, the stronger the urge to write is. I didn't think It would be like this. But it is overwhelmingly frustrating. I keep telling myself, that it will come.

I am still telling myself that.

Writing has been my salvation for a lot of things. Its helped me work through a lot of things I dont think I would have otherwise. Its a great outlet. I dont know what I would do without it.

Last month I found myself in a dark place again, over some things that I have been through coming back to haunt me. I am determined to not let things things consume me as they have in the past. I can't change nor deny that they had happened. But I'm a stronger person because of that, I do know that. Sometimes I just need some convincing. I did a lot of heavy writing and to my relief it did help a great deal.

It is at this time, That I am especially thankful for the friend(s) that helped me get through this tough time. I was startled by the existance of how quickly I could relive all the events that have happened to me in such a short time. And knowing that it is something I am always going to have to face and to deal with is hard. But having friends you can trust helps a great deal. I dont know what I will do with that writing, or if anyone other than myself will ever see it. Being through such an ordeal, Its hard for me to let go. I couldn't imagine someone having to read it and know these things about me doing the same. Knowing that there was nothing that they could have done to change it. For now I am keeping it to myself. Sometimes secrets are meant to stay secrets. Meant only to be shared with those you love and trust to help you with them.

On a lighter note, I am happy to announce that all my kittens have found great homes. I will miss the little buggers, but I know they are in good places. Now if Mya could be just as happy.

My mine just keeps jumping in circles, I wish I could keep it in place just long enough to catch up. Then maybe, just maybe. Id feel like I was getting somewhere. Hopefully once the fog clears I will have more to write about soon.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Long at last

Halloween is fast approaching and I still have a lot to do for everything I have planned for November. I haven't been doing as much writing lately as Id like to. Not only Im still fighting the evil writer's block. I have also been working on ideas to promote my poetry books to give them more appeal. It would be nice to get a few more sales out of it too, I won't lie. Especially with Christmas coming around. Ive been toying with the idea on doing the option for an ebook. I may hold off on that until I finish the Anthology. Which Im hoping to have finished early next year. Sooner would be great, but Im not going to push it.
I am having a really hard time with writing the book on Self Injury. Its been years since thats something I have had to deal with. And I thought with all that time that has passed. Ive given myself enough time to prepare for writing it. But no matter how long its been its scratching at old wounds and reminding me constantly of the scars I carry because of it. Im determined to not stop writing it, because it is also very theraputic for me. Its giving me a chance to open up about this in a whole new outlet, in a whole new light. I have written a few poems here and there on it emotionally. This is way different than a poem. Im bringing out my journal and sharing raw and unpolished moments that I have endured during my recovering from it. I am still unsure of how I am going to present it and who it will be shared with. Its such a touchy and sensitive subject. But its one very important to me to possible help others that have had to suffer as I have.
Im no longer afraid of losing control. It has been a long time since Ive picked up anything to cause injury to myself. I am very proud of that. I still carry a bit of shame for what Ive done, but that can't be something Im going to dwell on. Its made me the person I am and its taught me how to find the strength in myself that I didn't know I had. I sometimes don't always use it. But at least I know it is there.
I am very troubled by it. Its not something about me I have told many people. So this book is going to be a big jump. Im really exposing myself in a way thats very open and vulnerable. I know what I would be setting myself up for. In the end would it be worth it? If it got one cutter to seek help, Yes it would. Until I finish the book I guess I will have to wait and see what happens once I get there. There will be a select few that I will get copies of the book to, before I do make it available to people.
On a lighter note, November stands for many upcoming things with my poetry books and once I have a better idea of what I am going to do. A more definite plan, I will be sharing that. My personal website has a new look, Its in a bit of unfinished and unorganized at the moment. But its slowly getting there. Ive been working on it here and there in between my crazy work schedule. I can't say I will spend more time on it when things slow down, because that wont be happening until after Christmas. So I will keep going at it while I can.
Emotionally, Ive been doing okay. I have good days and bad ones. Most the time I stay distracted with work. I am just trying to stay focused. I will get more into that another day. Im slowly getting more and more tired just thinking about it. I havent been sleeping well last few nights and it is catching up with me. Rest will be welcoming...

Light at the end of the Tunnel

So I sit here all prepared to write. Now I don't know where I am going. I am overwhelmed with the urge to write and I was all ready to go, Now I have seemed to lost my direction. I do know one thing. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to keep going to get to it.

A bid goodnight

Time has come for me to sit down and put my final thoughts down for the night. I should have gone to sleep hours ago, seeing I plan on getting up in the next 6 hours. I can't part with so many things cluttering my mind as I have many nights before. I am not even sure this will help me much, but I am willing to give it a go.
It feels like everything is jumbled up inside this big knot and I can't make sense of where the end is to untangle it all. I have all these thoughts and ideas, that are nothing more than that. Because I am stuck. I know the emotions are there, I just can't seem to express them. I feel out of place and out of touch with myself. I don't feel like I really know who I am anymore. I have been using work as a crutch because thats all I really know how to do right now. I need to find more physical outlets for myself too. I spend a lot of time outside with the dogs which seems to help me clear my head some. But it is not quite enough. I need to do things that really tire me out, because that seems to be when I feel the best.
I think I'm going to focus more on my artwork too. I dabble with it here and there. But I think if I put some time into it and keep my mind moving creatively not matter the direction. It will do me a lot of good. I need to do something. I am stuck here helplessly. In the end I am the only one that can get myself unstuck.
I'm restless, always restless. I can sit in one place for too long. I can't seem to stay focused on anything either. Everything seems to be in this organized chaos if that makes any sense at all. It doesn't matter if it does. It does to me. I need to stop aiming to please everyone else and start doing things just for me. That gets away from me everytime I try to do things for myself because then I am being selfish. Well then its time for me to be selfish. Its been a year since I wrote anything. By anything, I mean anything worthwhile. I have a few thoughts and things here and there. That can't really be made into much because all they are , are small phrases and things that pop into my head that I write down. Sometimes that turn into something and sometimes they just sit on half empty pages waiting to be used, but never will be. So there they sit just as lost as I am...

Displaced

Hard to believe its the beginning of September already. We never really had much of a summer. We didn't have very many warm days. And now its getting colder again. Already time to start preparing for winter. Not the time of year I look forward to. I want to stretch out all the nice days left before snow starts to fall.
I have the week of the 20th off for vacation. I am still debating on what I am going to do if things don't work out for me. I know I cannot spend a week at home with my family. It just wont be an option. I will need to get away for at least a few days to clear my head and recharge and hopefully... Write.

It is unfortunately time for me to turn in as much as I am trying to avoid it. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. But two days off after that to look forward to....

In a thought

I'm hoping writing a bit will relax my mind enough I will get more sleep than I did last night. I kept waking up every few hours and when I finally did manage to sleep, I get woken up by anxiety. So hopefully with a clearer mind, I will sleep better. No promises, I know.

I feel distressed. This not writing thing is killing me emotionally. I just don't feel right at all. I feel off somehow. Nothing fits. The same things that use to inspire me easily to write. Have no effect on me anymore. Its peaceful there, but they don't bring me the same peace it use to. I keep myself busy in hope to stay distracted until it comes on its own. That isn't working either. In fact Im sure its just making worse, letting everything just keep building up. You would think it would just come out sooner or later. But it doesn't, It just keeps building up.I get a few ideas here and there, but nothing really comes of them. They just sit scribbled in my notebook. And I go back to them now and then, I just don't feel the urge to go anywhere with them. Maybe someday.
I've hit a bump in the road with the self- injury book. As much as I want to keep moving forward I have to look out what is in my best interest too. Its not easy for me to do. Thats a big part of why I want to do the book. Its part of who I was and will probably be something I will always have to deal with. And this book is my way of facing it head on and keeping control of the urges I sometimes get. Even years later. Its the first time in a long time I have been able to openly come out and say that. This book is going to be even more raw and open by the time I finish it. It could be awhile. But I will finish it. I am determined. For now, its just a collection of thoughts in my notebook that will get me there.

I'd really like to get my childrens book started and hopefully finished within the next year or so. While my nephews are still young enough to enjoy it, but old enough to appreciate it. Ive got the storyline somewhat figured out. I just need to take the time out and put it together. I guess I have just been procrastinating on the idea, because I feel the need to write poetry so much more and because I am waiting to get the art programs I need to do the illustrations for the book too. I suppose I could have someone do them for me, but I am so particular. I want to try and do them myself first.

I also just recently came up with another idea for a story I want to do. I am not sure I am going to go through with it or not, but I am going to try and write it anyway and see where it goes. At this point, I need to write something. And not just anything. Something worth writing. Something to make me more satisfied than just a piece of something here and there. Its been well over a year since I have written anything worthwhile. And for a lack of better terms, Its driving me crazy. I thought blogging would help. To an extent it does. It really only surpresses the need to write a little. Im always distracted because writing is never far from my thoughts. Even when I am working, Im hoping I will get hit with some kind of inspiration or thought that I can jot down. Just anything to get started. Im nearly desperate for a source.
Work merely passes the time, It still doesn't change the fact. Im still in the same endless rut walking in circles. If I can't encourage the inspiration and I can't force it. What do I do? I need change. Maybe a place to go to recharge my batteries. Then maybe upon coming back, I will be writing again....

Flight

I'm suffering from it in all forms. I haven't written in my blog lately because I didn't feel like I had anything worthwhile to write about. I still don't. I need to do something, being alone with my thoughts isn't doing me much good either.I don't know what else to do. I'm willing to try just about anything to start writing again.
The usual things just aren't working for me anymore. Listening to music, going to my favorite writing places. Everything has just seemed to lost its appeal and Im stuck in the rut. And I'm not the only one. The sad thing is the weather is beautiful outside, Not too hot, not too cold. Cool and breezy perfect writing weather. And I just want to stay inside. Im torn, I almost want to go out.
Maybe I just need some motivation and less distraction. I need to get away. Im fighting this incredible urge to just take off. Go somewhere without warning and give myself the time and space I need to recover and get back on track again. Its a terrible feeling not writing. Its draining both emotionally and believe it or not, physically as well.
My mind is a jumble of thoughts, Nothing seems to really make any sense anymore. This is the worse its been in a long time. I wish I could just run and keep running until it all disappeared. But that isnt going to happen. Id have to stop sooner or later, and it would still be there. Id still have to face it and overcome it. I just don't know how. I hate what it is doing to me, I wish I had answers.
Even in my blogging I feel like I am writing in circles. Yes I am getting my thoughts down and it clears my head some. I feel like Im just writing about the same thing all the time and not really getting anymore. Im doing this because writing anything is better than nothing. Is it really? Either way your miserable. Miserable not writing, miserable writing things not worth giving a second look. Because you know your forcing it. Trying to make something happen thats not meant to. Im running out of patience. When its been as long as it has. Patience isnt getting you anywhere. Its turned into frustration. Beyond frustration. When it affects everything you do, its more than that.
On another note I have joined adoptaussoldier.org and writing to those soldiers and knowing that I am helping in some small way. Has brought a small amount of peace to my heart. I just keep praying that it will pass, because im not the only one suffering.

Something worth Celebrating

Its been a long week and I am glad that it is nearly over. Today was my day off and it was welcoming. Last few days of work were rather stressful. There was a lot to be done. They were checking our store certification and stuff. What a mess, so glad that its over.

My friend David had written a poem for me for my third book of poetry. Ive come a long way to get to that book and I wanted to have a poem that represented the book. " When Light Comes to Shadows." So I had asked him if he would write the poem. And when he did, it fit exactly like I knew it would. Well recently, my favorite band Enation had recently featured it on their online magazine. And I can't tell you how excited I am. Its big for us and it means a lot to me.

I've been writing a little, putting together the self injury book. I've been having a hard time lately. Sometimes I find myself wondering if its a good idea. Because it brings back a lot of memories and flashbacks from when. After four years, I thought I was prepared enough to start the story. Maybe I am not, but I will keep going forward. For now, I am taking a break so I dont push myself too far. Once I have something more to share on that I will.

Sometimes we need change

Sometimes we avoid it but we know its going to happen sooner or later. And sooner or later, things change. I'm not good with change, I never was. Maybe its the anxiety disorder that makes it so difficult. Actually, Im sure thats a good part of it. I have a routine and when that gets interrupted or something new gets added to it. It takes me awhile to adjust. Weird coming from someone that eventually wants to travel a lot. What I want to do and I am able to do are two different things. My anxiety has crippled me in a lot of things I wanted to do in life. Sometimes those things aren't meant to be, but how do I know if I was unable to try to do them in the first place?
With change, you have to take the good with the bad. We've had a lot of bad hit our family in the last month and slowly things are getting back to normal. Most of it almost in the past and we are moving on. Things do get better, you just have to have faith that they will. I find myself relying on faith a lot these days. And its gotten me through, one day at a time. I wake up each day, thankful I have made it through another day. I am still dealing with small bouts of personal struggle here an there. I guess some people calling demons. I don't know what to call them. I get really unsure of myself sometimes.
I'm starting to write again, Its not poetry. But it will do. I decided to finally start writing the book on Self Injury. I feel there has been enough time for me to be strong enough to write on such a serious subject. And my hope is that it will be able to give some hope to others who are dealing with it. Its going to be a long time before its finished, I don't know if it will ever get there. But Im willing to try. Its harder for me than I thought it would be. I can only write for a little while before I start to feel uncomfortable because of the memories I have flashing back at me. If I am able to finish this, It will be worth it just to have one person find help and see that they aren't alone. My plan is to find a charity that helps in such a cause and donate a part of the proceeds from the book to it. It is a big chance and a big chance from what I am use to writing, but I feel its important to use my talent for something good. Because I know what its like to be there and how scary it can be.
Sleep is fighting me hard to take over right now, But I just don't want to go to bed yet. Even though I know I should. I work a nine hour day tomorrow and Im gonna need the sleep. Its not open to close but it may as well day since I will be spending my entire day there. Fun. 12-9 is not my favorite shift to work. Maybe I will just take my book with me and work on some more writing on my breaks, make time where I can to work on it. Sometimes writing somewhere other than at home helps it flow a little better. So we shall see. Guess I better go to bed before I fall asleep at the computer. More soon.

The Clean up

Im not even sure I feel like writing today, but I also gotta do something to clear my mind a little before I try and sleep tonight. Although things have seemed to worked themselves out a little. I'm still not feeling as well as I would like to. I know I will get there, It will just take time. And I just have to try and be patient.
I haven't been writing... Yet. But maybe with all the recent events I have endured in the past few weeks I might get something. Ive been keeping a notebook with me and jotting some ideas and thoughts down here and there. Nothing ready to be seen yet, but it is something. Im slowly pulling together the pieces, Im still trying to figure out where everything fits. And whether anything I do is worth it. One day at a time....

Obsessive

I am hoping that by writing before I go to work I will get some kind of relief. I have been immersing myself in as many activities as I can. Anything to keep my mind busy. With that Ive managed to finish reading a book in two days. It hasn't been easy being me the last few days. I wouldn't know where to begin. Right now, I just want to let go. I want to stop thinking about it, I want to be able to sleep through the night without waking up and thinking about it. I am tired of not sleeping and when I do sleep, tired of everything I dream of reflecting on the bad.

I'm being pulled in two directions, one part of me. The part of me that is thinking with my head is angry, extremely angry. The other part thats thinking with my heart wants to cry into the pillow.I have already done that, Ive cried and sobbed into my pillow until I didn't have anything left and it still won't go away. I have some amazing friends, so if your reading this thank you for being there and letting me cry on your shoulder when I need it. It is helping more than you know.
I don't like feeling like the enemy, I don't like dealing with all this emotion and not being able to outlet it into my writing. Its the ache that comes deep from within. The one I fear the most. I know I couldn't protect myself forever from it. That it was bound to happen sooner or later. I was hoping for later, much later. And now I feel like I am punishing myself for it even though I know its nothing that I did. I shouldn't have kept the wall up then maybe I could avoided it. I can't keep thinking that way. If it was to happen, it was going to happen. I wish I could take a breath and it would all be over, I wouldnt think about it anymore. I wouldn't dwell and analyze every little detail to try and figure out why.
I am tired of wondering, The wondering is driving me crazy. As much as I almost want to stay in the dark that its making me feel, almost let myself suffer til it passes on its on. I am feeling more motivated to make something out of it. I need a vacation. Time to recollect myself, clear my head and do something for ME.
For way too long I have put things and everyone else for that matter before me. I'm hurting, I have accepted that I will be for awhile. In time, I would like to think it will hurt less and less.
I am reminded of that song by Shinedown. " Second Chance"
" Sometimes goodbye is a second chance"

In Light Of

Its not even the end of the week yet, and we've already gone through too much in the last five days. If it wasn't for bad luck I don't think we would have any luck at all. Friday my mom's doctor's appointment didn't end well. The weekend was a blur, thank god I worked all weekend. Monday was not a good day for a family. My dad's job caught on fire and now we don't know what else is going to happen with his job. Everyone is thankfully safe, which is the most important thing. I hope they decide to rebuild. Especially since the second building is still standing and they are able to do some work from there. Guess we will just wait and see. And to top that all off, Just as we could finally relax for the evening, It got interrupted by a oppossum thinking it was going to make itself at home in our house. Boo our little guard dog, kept him cornered in the the dining room where my sister's boyfriend was able to catch him and take him outside. At least it was a baby. Things are slowly getting back to normal
I realize none of this has nothing to do with writing. But sometimes life happens. And all you can do is move on and deal with it the best way you can. I'm looking to make a change in my life. I'm hoping with change, no matter how small. Will start to bring forth some sort of inspiration. Though its not really the inspiration I'm lacking. Its getting the words to follow. I'm still not sleeping well.
I got up early to work today, I figured I would be okay since I only worked til noon. But I ended up staying til five. Which is okay, I need the money.When I got home I was tired and had hoped I could try and take a nap, even though sleeping was the furthest thing from my mind becuse I really wanted to spend some time trying to write something. Even if it wasn't any good. I ended up lying in bed for the next four hours, Only to end up more tired than I was before I layed down. So here I am yawning and fighting sleep because I know the same thing is going to happen once I crawl in bed. I know I will just end up back here in a few hours. I want to make sure when I lay down, Im down for the night.
Im really not sure why its so hard for me to sleep anymore. Every now and then I get a good night where I sleep fairly well. The rest of the time Im tossing and turning most the night. Maybe I need to invest in a new mattress, even though I just bought one last year. Maybe I need something different, like a tempurpedic? It would be well with the expense if it helped. I need sleep...

Sleepless

I've had one too many sleepless nights to let it go. I'm dwelling on what I could be or could have been doing to make it better. I'm still not writing.
It seems like such a small and simple thing. That somehow managed to manifest itself into such a big distraction. I'm in a strange frame of mind. I have done everything I know to get a grip on what has me all bewildered. I don't even know if there is a real way to explain what's going on with me. I have tried to pull away from it. And I'm still drawn back to the same place.
I sometimes don't feel like the same person anymore. Like a piece of me is missing. I feel different somehow. I'm lost in a whirlpool of emotion. One day I am angry, and the next I am fighting off tears.
I didn't realize that writing had such a profound effect on me. I knew that it did, I just wasn't aware of how much until its been this long. Too Long...
I'm overwhelmed by how much I am unable to concentrate. Almost to the point its hard for me to focus on just basic tasks. Because my mind is in another place. I feel the ideas and all the thoughts scratching at the surface. But for some reason I just can't grasp them.
The senses are strange. You never know how they are going to react to such things. I can spend hours allowing my mind to wander. Trying to experience, to feel anything. Sometimes it comes, sometimes it doesn't. But the words never follow. And I am still sleepless.

Insomnia

Its amazing how everything you do, affects everything around you and everything that you are involved in. In the past few weeks, sleep hasn't been coming to me very easily. The first week I may have slept a whole fourteen hours the entire week. Sometimes its because I just can't get comfortable to sleep or I'm just too restless. Sometimes its because I can't get my mind to shut down so that I can relax. And I just end up lying there in the dark for hours til I eventually fall asleep. Only to be awake again at the crack of dawn.
Last year, I had trouble sleeping and I figured it was just my bed. So I bought a new mattress and that did the trick for awhile. Or so I thought. Maybe its the bed, maybe its me. I am hoping its the bed. Because that would be an easy fix. Maybe its both. I don't know. I do know one thing, My mind isn't clear. Sometimes I can't concentrate on any one thing. I am waking up nearly every hour.
I've worked at my job for just over three years now. I'm sure its not the greatest job. Its fairly easy work, and I like it. About half the time. If something better comes along. I will definitely take it. In the meantime this is my main source of income right now. With that being said, I don't always get to do with my spare time as I like. I always plan to write on my days off. It doesn't always happen. I manage to jot a few ideas here and there down. But that still doesnt get me anywhere. There are many times I feel inspired, but it ends up just being a feeling. And nothing gets to paper. It is incredibly difficult carrying all this emotion that won't come out. I've been waiting for it to just come out on its own. I'm still waiting for the big release. I wonder if it will ever happen. Or if this is a load I will always carry.
Ive been looking into other outlets, something to do physically as well as mentally. Hopefully to stimulate myself, as well as my mind. I hate this feeling of being trapped inside yourself. Its like looking into this glass box and seeing yourself, still trying to sort things out. Everyday I think maybe it will be different today. And each time Im left disappointed.
I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. Im in need of change. In need of something worthwhile. What that is yet, I don't know.
I know one thing for certain, I am desperate to write. And I am not sure I like the direction that is leading me in. There are things I have been wanting to write about for the longest time. And for that time I have been putting it off, because I did not feel I was ready to face those things again. Or to put myself in that stage again, that could trigger everything I wanted to leave in the past. A few people have asked me to do this a few times, because they feel it would help them as well as anyone like us. That has suffered from it.
And anyone who is going to read this is going to wonder what it is I am talking about. If you know me, you know already. If you don't you will see soon enough. Maybe its a sign I should write about it. Even if I don't feel I am ready. Maybe I think I am not because just the thought of it is scary.
At this point, what else do I have to write about? I have hardly written any poetry in who knows how long. I am still struggling to get past the block thats preventing me from expression.
Only time will tell if I am meant to do this or not.
Last night, I had a rough night. I had gone to bed hoping to get a decent's night sleep. Because I was so tired I figured that I would just fall asleep and actually sleep. And then I was proven wrong by waking up with severe pain in my back. I must of somehow twisted it in my short moments of slumber. So I sat at 4am in my computer chair propped up by 4 pillows. Trying to provide myself with some sort of comfort hoping the Aleve I had taken would kick in and allow me to sleep at least a few hours before going to work today. I was relieved when it had worked and I was able to sleep. And even more relieved I wasn't suffering too much to actually be able to work today. It still feels sore and I am hoping that it will ease up completely within a few days.
For now Im going to try taking a walk, and try and do something to clear my mind. Please let me write tonight....

Two AM

I really should be trying to sleep right now. I am tired. But I know laying down would be kinda pointless. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I'm restless, I just can't seem to get my mind to wind down long enough.
I guess I am feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps by all the things I want to do, but cannot. When it comes to that Iwish I were just procrastinating. Sadly its nothing like that. I am not sure what direction I want to go at this point. I feel a big desire to move. I greatly need my own space. The space I do have now just keeps feeling smaller and smaller. I need something that will give me more freedom to be me. So I have been trying to do that.
I wish I had something to write about, anything. Just something. Sometimes I wonder if I am even trying hard enough. But trying to hard means I am just trying to force it. Which in the end will get me nowhere fast.
I keep trying to tell myself tomorrow is another day, maybe it will happen tomorrow. Then it doesn't. Just an endless cycle. I think I pretty much have run dry and ended up in a run that I just can't seem to get out of. I dont know what to do. It hasn't changed or gotten any better in the longest time. I'm wondering if it ever will get better. If I will ever write anything worthwhile again. Okay that sounded drastic. But I feel like I lost an important tool and I just cant function with out it. Its complicated, At least it feels that way. Cause no one here seems to get it...

Not because I want it

Sometimes I feel like Im in a dark place. Like my mind doesn't feel quite right. You just know something is missing, but you can't quite put your finger on it You just know when everything doesn't quite click and you just feel off balance in some way.
I'm not real worried, because it makes me want to reflect. And reflecting is the first step in writing for me. Its just one of those things that keep picking away at you. I always want to write, I don't think there has ever been I time where I didn't. Right now I need it, and a lot of it. A few poems here and there isn't going to cut it this time. I have this overwhelming urge for everything to just come out and it just doesn't. It keeps building and building. And I feel hopeful. Hopeful that I will get rewarded with a burst of inspiration. Then all I get is a slow trickle. It will come, I know it will. How much longer can I go like this, honestly. Then what if it finally does, and I end up being disappointed? I am trying not to expect much. Even though I can't help but look forward to what it might bring. A sense of relief ? I hope in all this time, its given me the chance to grow some more and learn something from myself. Sometimes I think I don't know who I am anymore. Like I lost touch with myself. And that maybe I need to go back to the beginning. Then I think, do I really want to do that? Some things are better left untouched. Cause there are some gray areas in my life Id rather not see in color. I have come to accept them and moved on. There is still the potential for old wounds to open and I really don't want to go through all that again. Not now. Not Ever.

Its a start

I finally feel like I am making a little progress. Last few nights I have been writing a little. Which to me is a sigh of relief. Its coming along slowly. But at least it is a start.
And for some reason I'm only getting ideas at night, At this point I'm not going to argue with that. I'm getting them. Thats all that matters. I'm hoping with all this time not writing anything worth while, that it will be worth the wait. Seems so, so far. The first night I wrote almost an entire poem before giving into sleep. And last night I managed to write a few lines before falling asleep with the pen in my hand. I still haven't found the pen.
I hope with any luck I will be able to do some more writing tonight after work. If not maybe work with what I have written so far. If this keeps going, I hope it will start to lift the weight Ive been feeling on my shoulders...

The Whaleman Foundation

We only have until June 21st to reach our important goal of a million signatures.

Direction

I feel like I got a good amount accomplished today. Although I haven't got any writing done. I at least I feel like I did something with a purpose. Which is a step in the right direction. I am clearing out the clutter in my life, which in hope it will clear out the clutter in my mind too. Sometimes having a nice clear open space does a small wonder for the mind and the soul.
So I am thinking of redoing my entire room and giving myself my own separate work space. I tend to feel too confined sometimes and that kinda smothers my freedom to create. I think this will generate a better place for me to think and to focus. Usually I tend to write wherever inspiration hits me. But since that hasn't been happening too much lately. It looks like I will have to take matters in my own hands and give it a reason to. Not only that, when it comes time for me to continue putting my novels together I need a nice place to do it. I am eventually going to get back to that too. I just haven't been feeling it. I'm not sure what direction I want to go with them yet and I don't want to continue working on it and just write in circles. So I keep going back to it, eventually I will get where I want to go with those. For now, they are put to the side til I can get my motivation back and get past this writer's block.
It is a strange sensation, not being able to write. When you know its there, you feel it. Then you sit down and go to put it to paper and nothing comes out. And your just left staring at a blank page for hours wondering where it all went. Not too long ago you had thoughts and lines running through your mind. Its like if you don't write them down that instant, they vanish. There have been many times I would get thoughts and ideas in the middle of the night but have been too out of it to click on the light long enough to write them down. Then I end up regretting it because waking up the next day, I can't remember what they were. I keep a notebook on my night stand by habit, But its been laying there untouched for months. I can recall many strange dreams, but nothing worth writing about. I should write them down, collect them and see what my mind does when I sleep. So complicated and complex, but yet can be so simple.
I wish I knew what caused my this frustration, Maybe I just need to do something refreshing. Something that will turn a new leaf and I will be free to write at ease again. It goes with the territory. Its not always easy. And as difficult as it can be at times, I still thrive on it. And as long as I feel the need to, I always will...

Restlessness

So here I am spending my day off, in front of my computer. Its a beautiful day outside and the sun is shining. I still haven't managed to pull myself away for very long. I only knows its nice outside because I took the dogs out for a walk. And here I sit. Trying to draw myself out of this fog in hopes something will come.
I know I can't force something to be there that isn't, but I can give it the right setting to try and develop. Now all I can do is wait.
I shouldn't fell asleep as early as I did last night, I'm already regretting it. Either I didn't sleep enough or I slept too much. I feel really tired and out of it Like I am in a fog or something. It doesn't help I have so many things to think about. I have two weeks paid vacation from work I need to think about using up soon. I don't want to waste them and get stuck using them up in January like I did last year, because I didn't know when I could take them or I was even entitled to them. I want to use them when the weather is nice and I can benefit from them. I need a change of scenery, something to refresh my mind better. I think Im just tired of the same old thing. I could definitely use a weekend away from work and family. Time to just have time to myself..

For every end there is a beginning

Writer's block seems like such a small thing, until you have had it for over a year. Imagine all that just building up over time. It becomes quite overwelming. I know part of it is due to work, I don't have the time I use to. And when I find the time, its just not there. And working came to feel like the end of my writing. The less time I had to focus on it the more frustrating it became. I am doing my best to make the time and give myself the chance to find my place again.
For those who know me, know that writing is a big part of who I am. And with that I have come to a point in my life where its time to rediscover who I am as a writer. Ive realized the normal things that use to give me inspiration, don't anymore. It is time to move on and move outside my comfort zone and see where it leads me. Even if this means going to sources Ive never thought would lead me anywhere. I can't very well grow as a person much less as a writer if I can't write from something I haven't experienced. I could write from imagination which is a great thing. But it doesn't nearly give the impact and the emotion you need when you write from experience. Its the real and raw emotion I thrive on to write and I just haven't felt it lately.
I have many things that give me reason to, I just need to find the reason to allow myself to go to that place because it can't be forced. It needs to come naturally. And its just not there.
I'm spending today looking at things from a different perspective, taking notes and hoping that soon I will be able to function with a clearer mind and a lighter burden. I say this because having all this built up emotion is like carrying a weight on your shoulders. Something that can only be lightened by the right outlet. Ive tried many things to cope but it still brings me back to what I need to do. So I am hoping by keeping a blog it will give my mind the creative exercise it needs so things won't be so jumbled together.
I'm not keeping this blog for anyone but myself. If someone reads it and gets something from it thats great. And who knows if I get any feedback that gives me something to work from. Then that isn't so bad either. Im not trying to tell my life story here. I just want to do whatever I can to fuel my fire and practice my craft.

And so it goes

So here I am, about to write my second entry and I really have no idea where to start. My mind is a jumble of thoughts, in which make no sense to be lately. Im not really sure if it is stress I am dealing with or a combination of things. But, in the last few days I have had panic attacks that have completely drained me to the point I don't know how I managed to function the next day with as little rest as Ive got. I know not being able to write has had a bigger effect on me than I ever could have imagined. I've been acustomed to dealing with writer's block because it goes along with the territory. A few days, a week and on occasion Ive gone a little longer than that. And at some point I always get back into it and find inspiration.
I don't know how or why things have changed. But they have. I haven't written more than a few words in over a year. I don't know why its had such a profound effect on me but it has. I'm not sure someone would really understand that or not. It is what it is. And I know because of that its thrown everything off balance. Including my anxiety and my depression. Both I usually can maintain some kind of control of. I am very blessed with the fact I am able to do that without medication. Others arent so fortunate/
Maybe I need to do a little exploring and find new reasons to write, I want to so bad I can taste it. I just need to do something to fuel the fire. Which is hard if I can't even get a spark. I am hoping that with time something will come along and give me the start I need. Writing is something that can't be forced and you have to be patient. In the meantime I am willing to give it a little push of encouragement...

There and back again

I'm starting my first post with my storefront to my books because, Yesterday I received an email from my publisher saying that my book was chosen to be listed on Amazon.com. At that time, Only " When Light Comes to Shadows was on there so I was still pretty excited. I had logged on today to find all three of them listed there so that was even better. So hopefully that gets the word out a little more and I will make a few more sales. Ive come to really like self publishing. I get so much more with lulu than I ever did with Publish America. I won't say anything bad about them. Even though I could. I just was unhappy. And I will leave it at that.