Come and Gone

Christmas has come and gone. The holiday was fairly nice, but bittersweet. Dad had a relapse in his pneumonia and spend the week in the hospital getting fluid from a burst abcess drained from his lung. So our holiday dinner will most likely be when he comes home. He comes home tomorrow thankfully. He is doing better now and axious to come home. I cant say I blame him. I hate feeling trapped.
My nephews had a great Christmas, minus the fact that their Pap wasnt home to share it with them. I dont know why Ive lost my interest in Christmas. Its lost all the meaning it should have with family. I wonder if there is any way to get that back. I feel kind of selfish for wanting to be alone. Not to dwell or to feel sorry for myself. But to give myself the chance to miss Rob and know he wants me to be happy. Hard to believe in a week it will mark 6 years of his passing already. It doesn't seem that long.
Now that its time to move on, Holidays have past and its time to move forward into the new year. Im not making any resolutions, I don't believe in them. The only thing I want to do is continue on focusing on my writing and look out for my best interest. I havent been putting myself first very much and I find that me and my writing has been suffering for it. Ive been making a lot of plans. Time to make a change.

Long at Last

I am feeling a bit relieved now and I am a little less stressed. I was finally able to get some writing done a few days ago. It has been far too long since anything I was happy with. Ive only made a small dent in everything that I have been unable to let go. At least I know I havent lost the ability to write. I honestly felt like Id never be able to write again. Okay so thats a little dramatic, but its the longest stretch I have gone without it. Four poems is only a drop in the bucket when its been over a year. I will take what I can get. Im hoping it will give me the motivation and the inspiration I need to keep going. Now that I know all is not lost. And that something better is just around the corner.
Im hoping that I will be able to continue working on the book and that the poetry will flow more freely now so that I can finish the anthology. Im long overdo. One step at a time I guess. I will get there. I just gotta stay focused. Which is hard lately, especially with work and the holiday season taking up a lot of my time. Things will slow down. I love the holidays as much as the next person. I will be glad when they are over and things go back to normal.

The Yearning Place

Persistant are the dreams of a web woven from tasks
we must betray.
I am emerged in such things,
I've become weary of deeds I cannot undo.
As your enemy,
I must stay distant, yet close.
I won't be alone any longer.
I can't honor myself because of the changes coursing
through me,
Like venom through a vein.
Curse this darkness for giving me everything,
Then taking it all back.
Leaving me in a place of yearning,
You can no longer give me what I need.
I've become weary of things I cannot change.
I can't get too close,
And become the victim again,
Of what it is I am yearning.
12/12/09

Contemplation

Hard to believe its December already. Time goes fast. Especially when your spending 80% of it working. That is probably how it will be until after Christmas.
I have a lot on my mind anymore, I really wish I had the time to process it all. I have been trying to write amongst it all. I barely make progress before I hit a setback again. So I dont really feel like I am getting anywhere at the moment. Its hard for me to stay focused, but I am trying. I get worn out too easily because of work. So it make its hard for me to do the things I want to do but can't. All I can do is do what I can, I know. It just isnt enough for me though.
Im trying to relax and think of where to begin, I dont really have a place of beginning. So I guess that means I should just start somewhere. At least it would be a start. Here goes nothing...