Two AM

I really should be trying to sleep right now. I am tired. But I know laying down would be kinda pointless. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I'm restless, I just can't seem to get my mind to wind down long enough.
I guess I am feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps by all the things I want to do, but cannot. When it comes to that Iwish I were just procrastinating. Sadly its nothing like that. I am not sure what direction I want to go at this point. I feel a big desire to move. I greatly need my own space. The space I do have now just keeps feeling smaller and smaller. I need something that will give me more freedom to be me. So I have been trying to do that.
I wish I had something to write about, anything. Just something. Sometimes I wonder if I am even trying hard enough. But trying to hard means I am just trying to force it. Which in the end will get me nowhere fast.
I keep trying to tell myself tomorrow is another day, maybe it will happen tomorrow. Then it doesn't. Just an endless cycle. I think I pretty much have run dry and ended up in a run that I just can't seem to get out of. I dont know what to do. It hasn't changed or gotten any better in the longest time. I'm wondering if it ever will get better. If I will ever write anything worthwhile again. Okay that sounded drastic. But I feel like I lost an important tool and I just cant function with out it. Its complicated, At least it feels that way. Cause no one here seems to get it...

Not because I want it

Sometimes I feel like Im in a dark place. Like my mind doesn't feel quite right. You just know something is missing, but you can't quite put your finger on it You just know when everything doesn't quite click and you just feel off balance in some way.
I'm not real worried, because it makes me want to reflect. And reflecting is the first step in writing for me. Its just one of those things that keep picking away at you. I always want to write, I don't think there has ever been I time where I didn't. Right now I need it, and a lot of it. A few poems here and there isn't going to cut it this time. I have this overwhelming urge for everything to just come out and it just doesn't. It keeps building and building. And I feel hopeful. Hopeful that I will get rewarded with a burst of inspiration. Then all I get is a slow trickle. It will come, I know it will. How much longer can I go like this, honestly. Then what if it finally does, and I end up being disappointed? I am trying not to expect much. Even though I can't help but look forward to what it might bring. A sense of relief ? I hope in all this time, its given me the chance to grow some more and learn something from myself. Sometimes I think I don't know who I am anymore. Like I lost touch with myself. And that maybe I need to go back to the beginning. Then I think, do I really want to do that? Some things are better left untouched. Cause there are some gray areas in my life Id rather not see in color. I have come to accept them and moved on. There is still the potential for old wounds to open and I really don't want to go through all that again. Not now. Not Ever.

Its a start

I finally feel like I am making a little progress. Last few nights I have been writing a little. Which to me is a sigh of relief. Its coming along slowly. But at least it is a start.
And for some reason I'm only getting ideas at night, At this point I'm not going to argue with that. I'm getting them. Thats all that matters. I'm hoping with all this time not writing anything worth while, that it will be worth the wait. Seems so, so far. The first night I wrote almost an entire poem before giving into sleep. And last night I managed to write a few lines before falling asleep with the pen in my hand. I still haven't found the pen.
I hope with any luck I will be able to do some more writing tonight after work. If not maybe work with what I have written so far. If this keeps going, I hope it will start to lift the weight Ive been feeling on my shoulders...

The Whaleman Foundation

We only have until June 21st to reach our important goal of a million signatures.

Direction

I feel like I got a good amount accomplished today. Although I haven't got any writing done. I at least I feel like I did something with a purpose. Which is a step in the right direction. I am clearing out the clutter in my life, which in hope it will clear out the clutter in my mind too. Sometimes having a nice clear open space does a small wonder for the mind and the soul.
So I am thinking of redoing my entire room and giving myself my own separate work space. I tend to feel too confined sometimes and that kinda smothers my freedom to create. I think this will generate a better place for me to think and to focus. Usually I tend to write wherever inspiration hits me. But since that hasn't been happening too much lately. It looks like I will have to take matters in my own hands and give it a reason to. Not only that, when it comes time for me to continue putting my novels together I need a nice place to do it. I am eventually going to get back to that too. I just haven't been feeling it. I'm not sure what direction I want to go with them yet and I don't want to continue working on it and just write in circles. So I keep going back to it, eventually I will get where I want to go with those. For now, they are put to the side til I can get my motivation back and get past this writer's block.
It is a strange sensation, not being able to write. When you know its there, you feel it. Then you sit down and go to put it to paper and nothing comes out. And your just left staring at a blank page for hours wondering where it all went. Not too long ago you had thoughts and lines running through your mind. Its like if you don't write them down that instant, they vanish. There have been many times I would get thoughts and ideas in the middle of the night but have been too out of it to click on the light long enough to write them down. Then I end up regretting it because waking up the next day, I can't remember what they were. I keep a notebook on my night stand by habit, But its been laying there untouched for months. I can recall many strange dreams, but nothing worth writing about. I should write them down, collect them and see what my mind does when I sleep. So complicated and complex, but yet can be so simple.
I wish I knew what caused my this frustration, Maybe I just need to do something refreshing. Something that will turn a new leaf and I will be free to write at ease again. It goes with the territory. Its not always easy. And as difficult as it can be at times, I still thrive on it. And as long as I feel the need to, I always will...

Restlessness

So here I am spending my day off, in front of my computer. Its a beautiful day outside and the sun is shining. I still haven't managed to pull myself away for very long. I only knows its nice outside because I took the dogs out for a walk. And here I sit. Trying to draw myself out of this fog in hopes something will come.
I know I can't force something to be there that isn't, but I can give it the right setting to try and develop. Now all I can do is wait.
I shouldn't fell asleep as early as I did last night, I'm already regretting it. Either I didn't sleep enough or I slept too much. I feel really tired and out of it Like I am in a fog or something. It doesn't help I have so many things to think about. I have two weeks paid vacation from work I need to think about using up soon. I don't want to waste them and get stuck using them up in January like I did last year, because I didn't know when I could take them or I was even entitled to them. I want to use them when the weather is nice and I can benefit from them. I need a change of scenery, something to refresh my mind better. I think Im just tired of the same old thing. I could definitely use a weekend away from work and family. Time to just have time to myself..

For every end there is a beginning

Writer's block seems like such a small thing, until you have had it for over a year. Imagine all that just building up over time. It becomes quite overwelming. I know part of it is due to work, I don't have the time I use to. And when I find the time, its just not there. And working came to feel like the end of my writing. The less time I had to focus on it the more frustrating it became. I am doing my best to make the time and give myself the chance to find my place again.
For those who know me, know that writing is a big part of who I am. And with that I have come to a point in my life where its time to rediscover who I am as a writer. Ive realized the normal things that use to give me inspiration, don't anymore. It is time to move on and move outside my comfort zone and see where it leads me. Even if this means going to sources Ive never thought would lead me anywhere. I can't very well grow as a person much less as a writer if I can't write from something I haven't experienced. I could write from imagination which is a great thing. But it doesn't nearly give the impact and the emotion you need when you write from experience. Its the real and raw emotion I thrive on to write and I just haven't felt it lately.
I have many things that give me reason to, I just need to find the reason to allow myself to go to that place because it can't be forced. It needs to come naturally. And its just not there.
I'm spending today looking at things from a different perspective, taking notes and hoping that soon I will be able to function with a clearer mind and a lighter burden. I say this because having all this built up emotion is like carrying a weight on your shoulders. Something that can only be lightened by the right outlet. Ive tried many things to cope but it still brings me back to what I need to do. So I am hoping by keeping a blog it will give my mind the creative exercise it needs so things won't be so jumbled together.
I'm not keeping this blog for anyone but myself. If someone reads it and gets something from it thats great. And who knows if I get any feedback that gives me something to work from. Then that isn't so bad either. Im not trying to tell my life story here. I just want to do whatever I can to fuel my fire and practice my craft.