A New Beginning

My mind is a cluster of  a million thoughts lately. As of December 12th, 2014 I have become unemployed after nearly 9 years. I am doing my best to enjoy the time off but its just not me to be one to stay home and sit around. I am going to try and make the best of it. Do all the things I could not do. Or made excuse not to do because of work. I slowly starting to feel inspired again. Writing is coming to me in small spurts. I feeling creative urges to draw and paint. Things I haven't picked up in a really long time. When one door closes another opens, So I have been told. I think its for the best to focus on myself and the growth I need as a writer. Trying not to worry about what the future will bring and take things one day at a time. 

For the first time I was home for a normal holiday. I didnt have to work crazy hours for Thanksgiving or black friday. I didn't have to work on Christmas Eve and try to cram everything in on Christmas day between two families. It was really laid back and I felt really blessed. I got to spend quality time with my nephews. Its amazing to see how much they change every year. They are growing way to fast. At least with having nephews I am not missing out on having kids of my own. I always have known I didn't want any. But I go through moments where I rethink that decision. I guess the door is always open. 

Even though I had a beautiful Christmas. My heart couldnt help to notice the things that were missing . The passing of a dear friend this year and the loss of a friendship I feel will never be regained. My heart aches for both. Time doesn't always heal all wounds. You just kinda learn to live with the scars. I miss my friend.

Overwhelmed and catching up

Its been a really long time since Ive written anything here. Lots has happened in the past four and a half months. Lots of personal struggles we had overcome. My boyfriend had a cancerous brain tumor diagnosed at the end of May. By the end of April they did surgery to remove it. It was a grade 3, Thankfully they were able to remove 98 percent of it. After healing time of about 4 to six weeks, It was on to a combo treatment of six weeks of  radiation and chemo pill. Surprised and thankful with how well he tolerated it. We were on edge most of the time, We never knew what to expect. 
Here it is the beginning of September, Feeling like we would never get here. And its gone by smoother than we could have ever expected. Its only been 16 weeks since the surgery but it feels like its been so much longer than that. 
Ive been longing to let this all out for a long time, Was hoping to be able to turn it into some writing, But for now it needs to just be a time to clear my head and maybe the writing will come later. My thoughts are so cluttered anymore. We have battled many things in our short time together. Its making us want to question, When is enough going to be enough? Unknown is the path God has us on. All we can do is trust it and move forward and stick together. If anything that has been the strength thats helped us endure this terrible stuggle. Into a new light and hopeful future. I continue to hope that things will work out for the best for us. If anything we have earned the rest after enduring one hurdle after another. This journey isnt over for us yet, We still are doing the best to educate ourselves and do what we can to be better. 
Ive spent so much time worrying about others that Ive forgotten to take  care of myself. My needs are put aside and I never get back to them. First with him and my Mom's health issues are rearing their ugly head. I know I can only do so much, but she also has to try and help herself. There is so much more to it. No sense in getting into it right now Id be here for ever. The only purpose of this blog to me is to clear my head. If someone wants to read it they are more than welcome. It may never be seen. And that is okay too. 
I need to write, I crave it. I thrive off of it. And when I cant I feel like something is missing. I cant function properly. And nothing seems to go right. Im every bit off. Missing a piece to that balance that writing gives me. So what happened? I wish I had an answer to that one. Writing a blog or a journal isnt the same. It doesnt feel the same. But it helps . Its hard to explain. But its the outlet every person needs. everyone has their own thing that completes them and writing does that for me.
Sure my other things help and they give me some satisfaction. Like art and photography. But writing is my first love and always take the place of what makes me feel whole. 
To be continued....

Overwhelmed

Its been a long two weeks. I haven't much time for writing lately. I want to and I feel it but I can't. I have all this pent up emotion just waiting for it to come out on its own. I am hoping with the week vacation I took from work will promote some creativity. I am burned out, so I'm hoping that the time off will be the refreshment I need to get into writing again. Not to mention with all that Ive been through this year so far I need the release. I have amazing people in my life that make dealing with my anxiety disorder easier. I really want to do everything that I can to keep it under control. Its hard to live a normal life when everything I do revolves around my anxiety and panic attacks. I always fear having one in a public place and drawing more attention to myself. Im only 8 days away from 7 days of work free bliss.

A Moment to Myself

Seems the days are just flying by anymore. Hard to believe we are only a few weeks from the end of June already.  I've kinda missed blogging it was one of the few things that gave me some time to myself to reflect on things instead of keeping them in for them to come back and haunt me later. I haven't been able to log into my blog for some time now because I forgot my password and couldn't remember what I had changed it to. Problem solved finally. Now I don't really know where to begin. Its been a crazy past few months. Things are slowly winding back down and my routine is almost back to normal. Almost. 
Im trying to make changes in my life because clearly I'm not very happy with some aspects of it. And the only way that I will be is if I make the changes myself. No one is going to do it for me. I feel very broken at times and I just want to give in. And I know that I can't do that. I have amazing people in my life counting on me. The same people that give me my strength to get through the days. I need a vacation, I'm just burned out on work and other things I have no real time to myself to write. 
My writing has suffered greatly. I haven't finished anything in such a long time. Its really discouraging. The urge of creativity is there, but I just don't have anything to keep the fire burning right now. And I hope the week off will do me some good. I feel that once I get back to writing again I will feel a whole lot better about myself.

Happy New Year

Hard to believe that we're in the year 2012 already. 2011 sure had a lot of ups and downs for me. Seems there were moments I had thought I couldn't get through certain things and I did. I thought it would make me a stronger person. And there for awhile it did. I'm frustrated that I am still struggling. Sometimes a lot harder than others.

Why is it I can have such a great thing and then have to fight so hard to keep it against this invisible thing I have no control over. I feel my emotions are in a crazy rollercoaster. They have great highs and the lows are a downward crash.

I am just feeling very lost right now.

Wednesday

Also known as the middle of the week hump. And yes I do feel it. Most days seem like that for me anymore. Every time I think I get a grip on my anxiety disorder, Something happens and sends it in downward spiral again. Sometimes I think If I can find out what triggers it I can avoid it. It seems to work at first but all I really end up doing is being miserable and putting off whats gonna happen anyway. Medicine helps most the time but I dont want to become reliant on it either. So try to only take it when I have to. Sometimes I dont have a choice, otherwise I wouldnt make it to work. I couldnt say I wouldnt make it but it would make it a lot harder. At least it takes the edge off for a little while. I guess thats all I could really ask for. Thankfully today was my day off and I was able to relax. Didnt need my medicine all day until a little while ago. Stress of work is a big trigger I can't avoid. Hopefully the time will come where I will be able to find a job that meets all my needs.

Time Gets Away

Ive notice when new things happen in your life. Time has a tendancy to get away from you. I have lots of new things to share and lots going on in my life right now. Some good, some bad. Im only hoping that in the end the good will outweigh the bad. Here's hoping anyway. I will have to be better at posting my thoughts than I have been. Otherwise I just keep everything all bottled up.
In the meantime Ive made a new page and hopefully will have some new writings to share soon.

http://about.me/edit/darkpoetfawn