Im not even sure I feel like writing today, but I also gotta do something to clear my mind a little before I try and sleep tonight. Although things have seemed to worked themselves out a little. I'm still not feeling as well as I would like to. I know I will get there, It will just take time. And I just have to try and be patient.
I haven't been writing... Yet. But maybe with all the recent events I have endured in the past few weeks I might get something. Ive been keeping a notebook with me and jotting some ideas and thoughts down here and there. Nothing ready to be seen yet, but it is something. Im slowly pulling together the pieces, Im still trying to figure out where everything fits. And whether anything I do is worth it. One day at a time....
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Obsessive
I am hoping that by writing before I go to work I will get some kind of relief. I have been immersing myself in as many activities as I can. Anything to keep my mind busy. With that Ive managed to finish reading a book in two days. It hasn't been easy being me the last few days. I wouldn't know where to begin. Right now, I just want to let go. I want to stop thinking about it, I want to be able to sleep through the night without waking up and thinking about it. I am tired of not sleeping and when I do sleep, tired of everything I dream of reflecting on the bad.
I'm being pulled in two directions, one part of me. The part of me that is thinking with my head is angry, extremely angry. The other part thats thinking with my heart wants to cry into the pillow.I have already done that, Ive cried and sobbed into my pillow until I didn't have anything left and it still won't go away. I have some amazing friends, so if your reading this thank you for being there and letting me cry on your shoulder when I need it. It is helping more than you know.
I don't like feeling like the enemy, I don't like dealing with all this emotion and not being able to outlet it into my writing. Its the ache that comes deep from within. The one I fear the most. I know I couldn't protect myself forever from it. That it was bound to happen sooner or later. I was hoping for later, much later. And now I feel like I am punishing myself for it even though I know its nothing that I did. I shouldn't have kept the wall up then maybe I could avoided it. I can't keep thinking that way. If it was to happen, it was going to happen. I wish I could take a breath and it would all be over, I wouldnt think about it anymore. I wouldn't dwell and analyze every little detail to try and figure out why.
I am tired of wondering, The wondering is driving me crazy. As much as I almost want to stay in the dark that its making me feel, almost let myself suffer til it passes on its on. I am feeling more motivated to make something out of it. I need a vacation. Time to recollect myself, clear my head and do something for ME.
For way too long I have put things and everyone else for that matter before me. I'm hurting, I have accepted that I will be for awhile. In time, I would like to think it will hurt less and less.
I am reminded of that song by Shinedown. " Second Chance"
" Sometimes goodbye is a second chance"
I'm being pulled in two directions, one part of me. The part of me that is thinking with my head is angry, extremely angry. The other part thats thinking with my heart wants to cry into the pillow.I have already done that, Ive cried and sobbed into my pillow until I didn't have anything left and it still won't go away. I have some amazing friends, so if your reading this thank you for being there and letting me cry on your shoulder when I need it. It is helping more than you know.
I don't like feeling like the enemy, I don't like dealing with all this emotion and not being able to outlet it into my writing. Its the ache that comes deep from within. The one I fear the most. I know I couldn't protect myself forever from it. That it was bound to happen sooner or later. I was hoping for later, much later. And now I feel like I am punishing myself for it even though I know its nothing that I did. I shouldn't have kept the wall up then maybe I could avoided it. I can't keep thinking that way. If it was to happen, it was going to happen. I wish I could take a breath and it would all be over, I wouldnt think about it anymore. I wouldn't dwell and analyze every little detail to try and figure out why.
I am tired of wondering, The wondering is driving me crazy. As much as I almost want to stay in the dark that its making me feel, almost let myself suffer til it passes on its on. I am feeling more motivated to make something out of it. I need a vacation. Time to recollect myself, clear my head and do something for ME.
For way too long I have put things and everyone else for that matter before me. I'm hurting, I have accepted that I will be for awhile. In time, I would like to think it will hurt less and less.
I am reminded of that song by Shinedown. " Second Chance"
" Sometimes goodbye is a second chance"
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
In Light Of
Its not even the end of the week yet, and we've already gone through too much in the last five days. If it wasn't for bad luck I don't think we would have any luck at all. Friday my mom's doctor's appointment didn't end well. The weekend was a blur, thank god I worked all weekend. Monday was not a good day for a family. My dad's job caught on fire and now we don't know what else is going to happen with his job. Everyone is thankfully safe, which is the most important thing. I hope they decide to rebuild. Especially since the second building is still standing and they are able to do some work from there. Guess we will just wait and see. And to top that all off, Just as we could finally relax for the evening, It got interrupted by a oppossum thinking it was going to make itself at home in our house. Boo our little guard dog, kept him cornered in the the dining room where my sister's boyfriend was able to catch him and take him outside. At least it was a baby. Things are slowly getting back to normal
I realize none of this has nothing to do with writing. But sometimes life happens. And all you can do is move on and deal with it the best way you can. I'm looking to make a change in my life. I'm hoping with change, no matter how small. Will start to bring forth some sort of inspiration. Though its not really the inspiration I'm lacking. Its getting the words to follow. I'm still not sleeping well.
I got up early to work today, I figured I would be okay since I only worked til noon. But I ended up staying til five. Which is okay, I need the money.When I got home I was tired and had hoped I could try and take a nap, even though sleeping was the furthest thing from my mind becuse I really wanted to spend some time trying to write something. Even if it wasn't any good. I ended up lying in bed for the next four hours, Only to end up more tired than I was before I layed down. So here I am yawning and fighting sleep because I know the same thing is going to happen once I crawl in bed. I know I will just end up back here in a few hours. I want to make sure when I lay down, Im down for the night.
Im really not sure why its so hard for me to sleep anymore. Every now and then I get a good night where I sleep fairly well. The rest of the time Im tossing and turning most the night. Maybe I need to invest in a new mattress, even though I just bought one last year. Maybe I need something different, like a tempurpedic? It would be well with the expense if it helped. I need sleep...
I realize none of this has nothing to do with writing. But sometimes life happens. And all you can do is move on and deal with it the best way you can. I'm looking to make a change in my life. I'm hoping with change, no matter how small. Will start to bring forth some sort of inspiration. Though its not really the inspiration I'm lacking. Its getting the words to follow. I'm still not sleeping well.
I got up early to work today, I figured I would be okay since I only worked til noon. But I ended up staying til five. Which is okay, I need the money.When I got home I was tired and had hoped I could try and take a nap, even though sleeping was the furthest thing from my mind becuse I really wanted to spend some time trying to write something. Even if it wasn't any good. I ended up lying in bed for the next four hours, Only to end up more tired than I was before I layed down. So here I am yawning and fighting sleep because I know the same thing is going to happen once I crawl in bed. I know I will just end up back here in a few hours. I want to make sure when I lay down, Im down for the night.
Im really not sure why its so hard for me to sleep anymore. Every now and then I get a good night where I sleep fairly well. The rest of the time Im tossing and turning most the night. Maybe I need to invest in a new mattress, even though I just bought one last year. Maybe I need something different, like a tempurpedic? It would be well with the expense if it helped. I need sleep...
Friday, July 17, 2009
Sleepless
I've had one too many sleepless nights to let it go. I'm dwelling on what I could be or could have been doing to make it better. I'm still not writing.
It seems like such a small and simple thing. That somehow managed to manifest itself into such a big distraction. I'm in a strange frame of mind. I have done everything I know to get a grip on what has me all bewildered. I don't even know if there is a real way to explain what's going on with me. I have tried to pull away from it. And I'm still drawn back to the same place.
I sometimes don't feel like the same person anymore. Like a piece of me is missing. I feel different somehow. I'm lost in a whirlpool of emotion. One day I am angry, and the next I am fighting off tears.
I didn't realize that writing had such a profound effect on me. I knew that it did, I just wasn't aware of how much until its been this long. Too Long...
I'm overwhelmed by how much I am unable to concentrate. Almost to the point its hard for me to focus on just basic tasks. Because my mind is in another place. I feel the ideas and all the thoughts scratching at the surface. But for some reason I just can't grasp them.
The senses are strange. You never know how they are going to react to such things. I can spend hours allowing my mind to wander. Trying to experience, to feel anything. Sometimes it comes, sometimes it doesn't. But the words never follow. And I am still sleepless.
It seems like such a small and simple thing. That somehow managed to manifest itself into such a big distraction. I'm in a strange frame of mind. I have done everything I know to get a grip on what has me all bewildered. I don't even know if there is a real way to explain what's going on with me. I have tried to pull away from it. And I'm still drawn back to the same place.
I sometimes don't feel like the same person anymore. Like a piece of me is missing. I feel different somehow. I'm lost in a whirlpool of emotion. One day I am angry, and the next I am fighting off tears.
I didn't realize that writing had such a profound effect on me. I knew that it did, I just wasn't aware of how much until its been this long. Too Long...
I'm overwhelmed by how much I am unable to concentrate. Almost to the point its hard for me to focus on just basic tasks. Because my mind is in another place. I feel the ideas and all the thoughts scratching at the surface. But for some reason I just can't grasp them.
The senses are strange. You never know how they are going to react to such things. I can spend hours allowing my mind to wander. Trying to experience, to feel anything. Sometimes it comes, sometimes it doesn't. But the words never follow. And I am still sleepless.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Insomnia
Its amazing how everything you do, affects everything around you and everything that you are involved in. In the past few weeks, sleep hasn't been coming to me very easily. The first week I may have slept a whole fourteen hours the entire week. Sometimes its because I just can't get comfortable to sleep or I'm just too restless. Sometimes its because I can't get my mind to shut down so that I can relax. And I just end up lying there in the dark for hours til I eventually fall asleep. Only to be awake again at the crack of dawn.
Last year, I had trouble sleeping and I figured it was just my bed. So I bought a new mattress and that did the trick for awhile. Or so I thought. Maybe its the bed, maybe its me. I am hoping its the bed. Because that would be an easy fix. Maybe its both. I don't know. I do know one thing, My mind isn't clear. Sometimes I can't concentrate on any one thing. I am waking up nearly every hour.
I've worked at my job for just over three years now. I'm sure its not the greatest job. Its fairly easy work, and I like it. About half the time. If something better comes along. I will definitely take it. In the meantime this is my main source of income right now. With that being said, I don't always get to do with my spare time as I like. I always plan to write on my days off. It doesn't always happen. I manage to jot a few ideas here and there down. But that still doesnt get me anywhere. There are many times I feel inspired, but it ends up just being a feeling. And nothing gets to paper. It is incredibly difficult carrying all this emotion that won't come out. I've been waiting for it to just come out on its own. I'm still waiting for the big release. I wonder if it will ever happen. Or if this is a load I will always carry.
Ive been looking into other outlets, something to do physically as well as mentally. Hopefully to stimulate myself, as well as my mind. I hate this feeling of being trapped inside yourself. Its like looking into this glass box and seeing yourself, still trying to sort things out. Everyday I think maybe it will be different today. And each time Im left disappointed.
I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. Im in need of change. In need of something worthwhile. What that is yet, I don't know.
I know one thing for certain, I am desperate to write. And I am not sure I like the direction that is leading me in. There are things I have been wanting to write about for the longest time. And for that time I have been putting it off, because I did not feel I was ready to face those things again. Or to put myself in that stage again, that could trigger everything I wanted to leave in the past. A few people have asked me to do this a few times, because they feel it would help them as well as anyone like us. That has suffered from it.
And anyone who is going to read this is going to wonder what it is I am talking about. If you know me, you know already. If you don't you will see soon enough. Maybe its a sign I should write about it. Even if I don't feel I am ready. Maybe I think I am not because just the thought of it is scary.
At this point, what else do I have to write about? I have hardly written any poetry in who knows how long. I am still struggling to get past the block thats preventing me from expression.
Only time will tell if I am meant to do this or not.
Last night, I had a rough night. I had gone to bed hoping to get a decent's night sleep. Because I was so tired I figured that I would just fall asleep and actually sleep. And then I was proven wrong by waking up with severe pain in my back. I must of somehow twisted it in my short moments of slumber. So I sat at 4am in my computer chair propped up by 4 pillows. Trying to provide myself with some sort of comfort hoping the Aleve I had taken would kick in and allow me to sleep at least a few hours before going to work today. I was relieved when it had worked and I was able to sleep. And even more relieved I wasn't suffering too much to actually be able to work today. It still feels sore and I am hoping that it will ease up completely within a few days.
For now Im going to try taking a walk, and try and do something to clear my mind. Please let me write tonight....
Last year, I had trouble sleeping and I figured it was just my bed. So I bought a new mattress and that did the trick for awhile. Or so I thought. Maybe its the bed, maybe its me. I am hoping its the bed. Because that would be an easy fix. Maybe its both. I don't know. I do know one thing, My mind isn't clear. Sometimes I can't concentrate on any one thing. I am waking up nearly every hour.
I've worked at my job for just over three years now. I'm sure its not the greatest job. Its fairly easy work, and I like it. About half the time. If something better comes along. I will definitely take it. In the meantime this is my main source of income right now. With that being said, I don't always get to do with my spare time as I like. I always plan to write on my days off. It doesn't always happen. I manage to jot a few ideas here and there down. But that still doesnt get me anywhere. There are many times I feel inspired, but it ends up just being a feeling. And nothing gets to paper. It is incredibly difficult carrying all this emotion that won't come out. I've been waiting for it to just come out on its own. I'm still waiting for the big release. I wonder if it will ever happen. Or if this is a load I will always carry.
Ive been looking into other outlets, something to do physically as well as mentally. Hopefully to stimulate myself, as well as my mind. I hate this feeling of being trapped inside yourself. Its like looking into this glass box and seeing yourself, still trying to sort things out. Everyday I think maybe it will be different today. And each time Im left disappointed.
I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. Im in need of change. In need of something worthwhile. What that is yet, I don't know.
I know one thing for certain, I am desperate to write. And I am not sure I like the direction that is leading me in. There are things I have been wanting to write about for the longest time. And for that time I have been putting it off, because I did not feel I was ready to face those things again. Or to put myself in that stage again, that could trigger everything I wanted to leave in the past. A few people have asked me to do this a few times, because they feel it would help them as well as anyone like us. That has suffered from it.
And anyone who is going to read this is going to wonder what it is I am talking about. If you know me, you know already. If you don't you will see soon enough. Maybe its a sign I should write about it. Even if I don't feel I am ready. Maybe I think I am not because just the thought of it is scary.
At this point, what else do I have to write about? I have hardly written any poetry in who knows how long. I am still struggling to get past the block thats preventing me from expression.
Only time will tell if I am meant to do this or not.
Last night, I had a rough night. I had gone to bed hoping to get a decent's night sleep. Because I was so tired I figured that I would just fall asleep and actually sleep. And then I was proven wrong by waking up with severe pain in my back. I must of somehow twisted it in my short moments of slumber. So I sat at 4am in my computer chair propped up by 4 pillows. Trying to provide myself with some sort of comfort hoping the Aleve I had taken would kick in and allow me to sleep at least a few hours before going to work today. I was relieved when it had worked and I was able to sleep. And even more relieved I wasn't suffering too much to actually be able to work today. It still feels sore and I am hoping that it will ease up completely within a few days.
For now Im going to try taking a walk, and try and do something to clear my mind. Please let me write tonight....
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