In a thought

I'm hoping writing a bit will relax my mind enough I will get more sleep than I did last night. I kept waking up every few hours and when I finally did manage to sleep, I get woken up by anxiety. So hopefully with a clearer mind, I will sleep better. No promises, I know.

I feel distressed. This not writing thing is killing me emotionally. I just don't feel right at all. I feel off somehow. Nothing fits. The same things that use to inspire me easily to write. Have no effect on me anymore. Its peaceful there, but they don't bring me the same peace it use to. I keep myself busy in hope to stay distracted until it comes on its own. That isn't working either. In fact Im sure its just making worse, letting everything just keep building up. You would think it would just come out sooner or later. But it doesn't, It just keeps building up.I get a few ideas here and there, but nothing really comes of them. They just sit scribbled in my notebook. And I go back to them now and then, I just don't feel the urge to go anywhere with them. Maybe someday.
I've hit a bump in the road with the self- injury book. As much as I want to keep moving forward I have to look out what is in my best interest too. Its not easy for me to do. Thats a big part of why I want to do the book. Its part of who I was and will probably be something I will always have to deal with. And this book is my way of facing it head on and keeping control of the urges I sometimes get. Even years later. Its the first time in a long time I have been able to openly come out and say that. This book is going to be even more raw and open by the time I finish it. It could be awhile. But I will finish it. I am determined. For now, its just a collection of thoughts in my notebook that will get me there.

I'd really like to get my childrens book started and hopefully finished within the next year or so. While my nephews are still young enough to enjoy it, but old enough to appreciate it. Ive got the storyline somewhat figured out. I just need to take the time out and put it together. I guess I have just been procrastinating on the idea, because I feel the need to write poetry so much more and because I am waiting to get the art programs I need to do the illustrations for the book too. I suppose I could have someone do them for me, but I am so particular. I want to try and do them myself first.

I also just recently came up with another idea for a story I want to do. I am not sure I am going to go through with it or not, but I am going to try and write it anyway and see where it goes. At this point, I need to write something. And not just anything. Something worth writing. Something to make me more satisfied than just a piece of something here and there. Its been well over a year since I have written anything worthwhile. And for a lack of better terms, Its driving me crazy. I thought blogging would help. To an extent it does. It really only surpresses the need to write a little. Im always distracted because writing is never far from my thoughts. Even when I am working, Im hoping I will get hit with some kind of inspiration or thought that I can jot down. Just anything to get started. Im nearly desperate for a source.
Work merely passes the time, It still doesn't change the fact. Im still in the same endless rut walking in circles. If I can't encourage the inspiration and I can't force it. What do I do? I need change. Maybe a place to go to recharge my batteries. Then maybe upon coming back, I will be writing again....

Flight

I'm suffering from it in all forms. I haven't written in my blog lately because I didn't feel like I had anything worthwhile to write about. I still don't. I need to do something, being alone with my thoughts isn't doing me much good either.I don't know what else to do. I'm willing to try just about anything to start writing again.
The usual things just aren't working for me anymore. Listening to music, going to my favorite writing places. Everything has just seemed to lost its appeal and Im stuck in the rut. And I'm not the only one. The sad thing is the weather is beautiful outside, Not too hot, not too cold. Cool and breezy perfect writing weather. And I just want to stay inside. Im torn, I almost want to go out.
Maybe I just need some motivation and less distraction. I need to get away. Im fighting this incredible urge to just take off. Go somewhere without warning and give myself the time and space I need to recover and get back on track again. Its a terrible feeling not writing. Its draining both emotionally and believe it or not, physically as well.
My mind is a jumble of thoughts, Nothing seems to really make any sense anymore. This is the worse its been in a long time. I wish I could just run and keep running until it all disappeared. But that isnt going to happen. Id have to stop sooner or later, and it would still be there. Id still have to face it and overcome it. I just don't know how. I hate what it is doing to me, I wish I had answers.
Even in my blogging I feel like I am writing in circles. Yes I am getting my thoughts down and it clears my head some. I feel like Im just writing about the same thing all the time and not really getting anymore. Im doing this because writing anything is better than nothing. Is it really? Either way your miserable. Miserable not writing, miserable writing things not worth giving a second look. Because you know your forcing it. Trying to make something happen thats not meant to. Im running out of patience. When its been as long as it has. Patience isnt getting you anywhere. Its turned into frustration. Beyond frustration. When it affects everything you do, its more than that.
On another note I have joined adoptaussoldier.org and writing to those soldiers and knowing that I am helping in some small way. Has brought a small amount of peace to my heart. I just keep praying that it will pass, because im not the only one suffering.

Something worth Celebrating

Its been a long week and I am glad that it is nearly over. Today was my day off and it was welcoming. Last few days of work were rather stressful. There was a lot to be done. They were checking our store certification and stuff. What a mess, so glad that its over.

My friend David had written a poem for me for my third book of poetry. Ive come a long way to get to that book and I wanted to have a poem that represented the book. " When Light Comes to Shadows." So I had asked him if he would write the poem. And when he did, it fit exactly like I knew it would. Well recently, my favorite band Enation had recently featured it on their online magazine. And I can't tell you how excited I am. Its big for us and it means a lot to me.

I've been writing a little, putting together the self injury book. I've been having a hard time lately. Sometimes I find myself wondering if its a good idea. Because it brings back a lot of memories and flashbacks from when. After four years, I thought I was prepared enough to start the story. Maybe I am not, but I will keep going forward. For now, I am taking a break so I dont push myself too far. Once I have something more to share on that I will.

Sometimes we need change

Sometimes we avoid it but we know its going to happen sooner or later. And sooner or later, things change. I'm not good with change, I never was. Maybe its the anxiety disorder that makes it so difficult. Actually, Im sure thats a good part of it. I have a routine and when that gets interrupted or something new gets added to it. It takes me awhile to adjust. Weird coming from someone that eventually wants to travel a lot. What I want to do and I am able to do are two different things. My anxiety has crippled me in a lot of things I wanted to do in life. Sometimes those things aren't meant to be, but how do I know if I was unable to try to do them in the first place?
With change, you have to take the good with the bad. We've had a lot of bad hit our family in the last month and slowly things are getting back to normal. Most of it almost in the past and we are moving on. Things do get better, you just have to have faith that they will. I find myself relying on faith a lot these days. And its gotten me through, one day at a time. I wake up each day, thankful I have made it through another day. I am still dealing with small bouts of personal struggle here an there. I guess some people calling demons. I don't know what to call them. I get really unsure of myself sometimes.
I'm starting to write again, Its not poetry. But it will do. I decided to finally start writing the book on Self Injury. I feel there has been enough time for me to be strong enough to write on such a serious subject. And my hope is that it will be able to give some hope to others who are dealing with it. Its going to be a long time before its finished, I don't know if it will ever get there. But Im willing to try. Its harder for me than I thought it would be. I can only write for a little while before I start to feel uncomfortable because of the memories I have flashing back at me. If I am able to finish this, It will be worth it just to have one person find help and see that they aren't alone. My plan is to find a charity that helps in such a cause and donate a part of the proceeds from the book to it. It is a big chance and a big chance from what I am use to writing, but I feel its important to use my talent for something good. Because I know what its like to be there and how scary it can be.
Sleep is fighting me hard to take over right now, But I just don't want to go to bed yet. Even though I know I should. I work a nine hour day tomorrow and Im gonna need the sleep. Its not open to close but it may as well day since I will be spending my entire day there. Fun. 12-9 is not my favorite shift to work. Maybe I will just take my book with me and work on some more writing on my breaks, make time where I can to work on it. Sometimes writing somewhere other than at home helps it flow a little better. So we shall see. Guess I better go to bed before I fall asleep at the computer. More soon.