In a thought

I'm hoping writing a bit will relax my mind enough I will get more sleep than I did last night. I kept waking up every few hours and when I finally did manage to sleep, I get woken up by anxiety. So hopefully with a clearer mind, I will sleep better. No promises, I know.

I feel distressed. This not writing thing is killing me emotionally. I just don't feel right at all. I feel off somehow. Nothing fits. The same things that use to inspire me easily to write. Have no effect on me anymore. Its peaceful there, but they don't bring me the same peace it use to. I keep myself busy in hope to stay distracted until it comes on its own. That isn't working either. In fact Im sure its just making worse, letting everything just keep building up. You would think it would just come out sooner or later. But it doesn't, It just keeps building up.I get a few ideas here and there, but nothing really comes of them. They just sit scribbled in my notebook. And I go back to them now and then, I just don't feel the urge to go anywhere with them. Maybe someday.
I've hit a bump in the road with the self- injury book. As much as I want to keep moving forward I have to look out what is in my best interest too. Its not easy for me to do. Thats a big part of why I want to do the book. Its part of who I was and will probably be something I will always have to deal with. And this book is my way of facing it head on and keeping control of the urges I sometimes get. Even years later. Its the first time in a long time I have been able to openly come out and say that. This book is going to be even more raw and open by the time I finish it. It could be awhile. But I will finish it. I am determined. For now, its just a collection of thoughts in my notebook that will get me there.

I'd really like to get my childrens book started and hopefully finished within the next year or so. While my nephews are still young enough to enjoy it, but old enough to appreciate it. Ive got the storyline somewhat figured out. I just need to take the time out and put it together. I guess I have just been procrastinating on the idea, because I feel the need to write poetry so much more and because I am waiting to get the art programs I need to do the illustrations for the book too. I suppose I could have someone do them for me, but I am so particular. I want to try and do them myself first.

I also just recently came up with another idea for a story I want to do. I am not sure I am going to go through with it or not, but I am going to try and write it anyway and see where it goes. At this point, I need to write something. And not just anything. Something worth writing. Something to make me more satisfied than just a piece of something here and there. Its been well over a year since I have written anything worthwhile. And for a lack of better terms, Its driving me crazy. I thought blogging would help. To an extent it does. It really only surpresses the need to write a little. Im always distracted because writing is never far from my thoughts. Even when I am working, Im hoping I will get hit with some kind of inspiration or thought that I can jot down. Just anything to get started. Im nearly desperate for a source.
Work merely passes the time, It still doesn't change the fact. Im still in the same endless rut walking in circles. If I can't encourage the inspiration and I can't force it. What do I do? I need change. Maybe a place to go to recharge my batteries. Then maybe upon coming back, I will be writing again....