Insomnia

Its amazing how everything you do, affects everything around you and everything that you are involved in. In the past few weeks, sleep hasn't been coming to me very easily. The first week I may have slept a whole fourteen hours the entire week. Sometimes its because I just can't get comfortable to sleep or I'm just too restless. Sometimes its because I can't get my mind to shut down so that I can relax. And I just end up lying there in the dark for hours til I eventually fall asleep. Only to be awake again at the crack of dawn.
Last year, I had trouble sleeping and I figured it was just my bed. So I bought a new mattress and that did the trick for awhile. Or so I thought. Maybe its the bed, maybe its me. I am hoping its the bed. Because that would be an easy fix. Maybe its both. I don't know. I do know one thing, My mind isn't clear. Sometimes I can't concentrate on any one thing. I am waking up nearly every hour.
I've worked at my job for just over three years now. I'm sure its not the greatest job. Its fairly easy work, and I like it. About half the time. If something better comes along. I will definitely take it. In the meantime this is my main source of income right now. With that being said, I don't always get to do with my spare time as I like. I always plan to write on my days off. It doesn't always happen. I manage to jot a few ideas here and there down. But that still doesnt get me anywhere. There are many times I feel inspired, but it ends up just being a feeling. And nothing gets to paper. It is incredibly difficult carrying all this emotion that won't come out. I've been waiting for it to just come out on its own. I'm still waiting for the big release. I wonder if it will ever happen. Or if this is a load I will always carry.
Ive been looking into other outlets, something to do physically as well as mentally. Hopefully to stimulate myself, as well as my mind. I hate this feeling of being trapped inside yourself. Its like looking into this glass box and seeing yourself, still trying to sort things out. Everyday I think maybe it will be different today. And each time Im left disappointed.
I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. Im in need of change. In need of something worthwhile. What that is yet, I don't know.
I know one thing for certain, I am desperate to write. And I am not sure I like the direction that is leading me in. There are things I have been wanting to write about for the longest time. And for that time I have been putting it off, because I did not feel I was ready to face those things again. Or to put myself in that stage again, that could trigger everything I wanted to leave in the past. A few people have asked me to do this a few times, because they feel it would help them as well as anyone like us. That has suffered from it.
And anyone who is going to read this is going to wonder what it is I am talking about. If you know me, you know already. If you don't you will see soon enough. Maybe its a sign I should write about it. Even if I don't feel I am ready. Maybe I think I am not because just the thought of it is scary.
At this point, what else do I have to write about? I have hardly written any poetry in who knows how long. I am still struggling to get past the block thats preventing me from expression.
Only time will tell if I am meant to do this or not.
Last night, I had a rough night. I had gone to bed hoping to get a decent's night sleep. Because I was so tired I figured that I would just fall asleep and actually sleep. And then I was proven wrong by waking up with severe pain in my back. I must of somehow twisted it in my short moments of slumber. So I sat at 4am in my computer chair propped up by 4 pillows. Trying to provide myself with some sort of comfort hoping the Aleve I had taken would kick in and allow me to sleep at least a few hours before going to work today. I was relieved when it had worked and I was able to sleep. And even more relieved I wasn't suffering too much to actually be able to work today. It still feels sore and I am hoping that it will ease up completely within a few days.
For now Im going to try taking a walk, and try and do something to clear my mind. Please let me write tonight....