Obsessive

I am hoping that by writing before I go to work I will get some kind of relief. I have been immersing myself in as many activities as I can. Anything to keep my mind busy. With that Ive managed to finish reading a book in two days. It hasn't been easy being me the last few days. I wouldn't know where to begin. Right now, I just want to let go. I want to stop thinking about it, I want to be able to sleep through the night without waking up and thinking about it. I am tired of not sleeping and when I do sleep, tired of everything I dream of reflecting on the bad.

I'm being pulled in two directions, one part of me. The part of me that is thinking with my head is angry, extremely angry. The other part thats thinking with my heart wants to cry into the pillow.I have already done that, Ive cried and sobbed into my pillow until I didn't have anything left and it still won't go away. I have some amazing friends, so if your reading this thank you for being there and letting me cry on your shoulder when I need it. It is helping more than you know.
I don't like feeling like the enemy, I don't like dealing with all this emotion and not being able to outlet it into my writing. Its the ache that comes deep from within. The one I fear the most. I know I couldn't protect myself forever from it. That it was bound to happen sooner or later. I was hoping for later, much later. And now I feel like I am punishing myself for it even though I know its nothing that I did. I shouldn't have kept the wall up then maybe I could avoided it. I can't keep thinking that way. If it was to happen, it was going to happen. I wish I could take a breath and it would all be over, I wouldnt think about it anymore. I wouldn't dwell and analyze every little detail to try and figure out why.
I am tired of wondering, The wondering is driving me crazy. As much as I almost want to stay in the dark that its making me feel, almost let myself suffer til it passes on its on. I am feeling more motivated to make something out of it. I need a vacation. Time to recollect myself, clear my head and do something for ME.
For way too long I have put things and everyone else for that matter before me. I'm hurting, I have accepted that I will be for awhile. In time, I would like to think it will hurt less and less.
I am reminded of that song by Shinedown. " Second Chance"
" Sometimes goodbye is a second chance"